1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,265
♪♪ [theme]

2
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,356
[chatter]

3
00:00:57,013 --> 00:00:58,754
Doctor, do you want me
to hold that for you?

4
00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,757
TRAPPER: Okay.
MARGARET: Sponge.

5
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,367
Frank, not bad.

6
00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:04,847
-HAWKEYE: We need
some suction here.
-NURSE: Suction.

7
00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:06,544
Clean that out.
I can't see it well.

8
00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:11,462
And a small
favor, Margaret?

9
00:01:11,506 --> 00:01:12,768
Could you run your body
over my neck, please?

10
00:01:12,811 --> 00:01:15,553
Hemostat, Doctor.

11
00:01:15,597 --> 00:01:18,252
And some disability pay
from the army.

12
00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:20,384
Or a pair of
corrective shoulders
for terminal stoop.

13
00:01:20,428 --> 00:01:22,604
FRANK:
Oh, cut the cackle, huh?
It's getting on my nerves.

14
00:01:22,647 --> 00:01:25,085
As soon as I'm finished, Frank,
I'll remove him for you.

15
00:01:25,128 --> 00:01:27,609
Well, one would think you'd
have a little consideration.

16
00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:29,393
I've been up for
32 hours, you know.

17
00:01:29,437 --> 00:01:31,395
I've sent for
some coffee, sir.

18
00:01:31,439 --> 00:01:33,180
Oh, you're a doll person.

19
00:01:33,223 --> 00:01:35,051
After the war, I'm having
a bust made of your head.

20
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:38,054
Or possibly
the other way around.

21
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,751
Chest wound, Doctor.
Marine. Just came in.

22
00:01:39,795 --> 00:01:42,493
Take over here,
will you, Phil?

23
00:01:47,716 --> 00:01:49,674
Is this guy continued
on the next table?

24
00:01:49,718 --> 00:01:51,328
Check the I.V.

25
00:01:51,372 --> 00:01:52,721
Carotid artery.
Gimme some pressure here.

26
00:01:52,764 --> 00:01:54,288
Vascular clamps.

27
00:01:58,901 --> 00:02:00,294
All right,
let's prep him.

28
00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:04,254
Look at the size
of that chest.

29
00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:05,734
You oughta see
his mother.

30
00:02:05,777 --> 00:02:07,257
Am I gonna make it, Doc?

31
00:02:07,301 --> 00:02:08,476
I don't know how
to tell you this,

32
00:02:08,519 --> 00:02:09,999
but you're gonna live.

33
00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:12,393
Even though you might
break our blood bank.

34
00:02:12,436 --> 00:02:15,091
You can level
with me, Doc.

35
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,137
I know
it's curtain time.

36
00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:18,573
Only until we meet again.

37
00:02:18,616 --> 00:02:20,183
All right,
now take a deep breath,

38
00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:21,750
and we'll get you some
stationery so you won't

39
00:02:21,793 --> 00:02:23,752
have to write home on
your chest anymore.

40
00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:24,840
Good night.

41
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:32,761
Hey, hey. Do you believe

42
00:02:32,804 --> 00:02:37,635
someone has actually ordered
us a genuine spring day.

43
00:02:37,679 --> 00:02:39,637
What a dirty, rotten
trick to put it

44
00:02:39,681 --> 00:02:41,639
in the middle of a war.

45
00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:44,076
I'm gonna put
that sky on hold.

46
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,774
That's just a mural painted
by the North Koreans

47
00:02:45,817 --> 00:02:48,342
-to catch us off our guard.
-Listen.

48
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:50,170
You and me, we're gonna
grab a couple of nurses,

49
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,737
some of that torpedo
juice, and-- pft--
head for the hills.

50
00:02:52,781 --> 00:02:55,610
Sorry, I'm heading for
the nearest cot, alone.

51
00:02:55,653 --> 00:02:57,612
Right after I get some
new feet from supply.

52
00:02:57,655 --> 00:02:59,135
Are you serious?

53
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,919
After six months of
freezing your noony,

54
00:03:00,963 --> 00:03:04,184
you're actually gonna let
a day like this go to waste?

55
00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:06,055
Here's the coffee
you sirs wanted, sirs.

56
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:08,797
You're a little late, Radar.
We ordered it last winter.

57
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:09,798
Give him time.
He takes baby steps.

58
00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:12,104
Save mine.

59
00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:13,845
And take my beautiful day.
I'm having it later.

60
00:03:16,413 --> 00:03:17,936
[plane soaring]

61
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,909
Uh, excuse me.

62
00:03:33,952 --> 00:03:35,476
Isn't this, uh,
Lieutenant Simmons' tent?

63
00:03:35,519 --> 00:03:36,520
That's me.

64
00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:38,392
Oh...

65
00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:41,525
I didn't recognize you
without your parka and hood.

66
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:43,962
I've never seen you
in your underneath before.

67
00:03:44,006 --> 00:03:46,965
I mean, it must be
the cotton balls.

68
00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:49,359
Oh, well, I've usually
got these on.

69
00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:50,621
Oh, yeah.

70
00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:52,319
Can't see a thing without 'em.

71
00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:53,755
Oh, really?

72
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,496
Oh, me too, neither.

73
00:03:55,539 --> 00:03:56,671
Radar?

74
00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:06,594
Tanning your tonsils,
Radar?

75
00:04:06,637 --> 00:04:08,160
Sir?

76
00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:10,250
I'm going out and hit
a couple of balls.

77
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:12,339
I just wanted to tell you that
your, uh, anniversary issue

78
00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:13,905
of Archie Comics arrived.

79
00:04:13,949 --> 00:04:15,603
And I evened your cot legs

80
00:04:15,646 --> 00:04:17,735
so you won't have to sleep
on a slant anymore.

81
00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:20,999
Oh, thank you, sir.
Well, I guess that'll be all.

82
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,000
Thank you.

83
00:04:30,705 --> 00:04:33,098
Flare your nostrils
for me, Frank.

84
00:04:33,142 --> 00:04:35,840
I get so excited
when you flare them.

85
00:04:37,494 --> 00:04:41,150
Margaret, I get so excited
when you say "excited."

86
00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:43,283
Funny thing... war.

87
00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:44,936
Never have so many
suffered so much

88
00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:47,591
so so few could be
so happy.

89
00:04:47,635 --> 00:04:49,114
Oh, Frank, we're so lucky
to be two of the few

90
00:04:49,158 --> 00:04:51,247
and not the many.

91
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:55,556
I know, darling,
and I love being both of us.

92
00:04:55,599 --> 00:04:57,209
Margaret...

93
00:04:57,253 --> 00:04:59,299
let me press my ears
against your lips.

94
00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:03,607
Frank, we're not alone.

95
00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:11,311
"Breathless, we flung us
on the windy hill."

96
00:05:11,354 --> 00:05:13,617
-Hey, Klinger!
-Shh!

97
00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:17,012
"Laughed in the sun,
kissed in the lovely grass.

98
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:21,364
"You said, 'Through glory
and ecstasy we pass'."

99
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,148
-Poetry, right?
-Mm-hmm.

100
00:05:23,192 --> 00:05:24,802
That's great the way
they can rhyme and be hot

101
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:25,934
at the same time.

102
00:05:25,977 --> 00:05:27,109
Rupert Brooke.

103
00:05:27,152 --> 00:05:29,546
I won him
in a poker game.

104
00:05:29,590 --> 00:05:30,982
Is that for me?

105
00:05:31,026 --> 00:05:33,071
Oh, yeah.
Uh, came special delivery.

106
00:05:33,115 --> 00:05:35,291
I thought it might
be important.

107
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:36,640
I think it's from, uh...

108
00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:38,990
Radar, do you know
what this says?

109
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:40,427
I couldn't help it, honest.

110
00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,080
I held it up to the sun
to shade my eyes,

111
00:05:42,124 --> 00:05:43,778
and some of the words
showed through.

112
00:05:43,821 --> 00:05:45,345
Ha ha!

113
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:46,607
Ha!

114
00:05:58,227 --> 00:06:01,665
"They have known shame,
who loved unloved.

115
00:06:01,709 --> 00:06:04,712
"Even then when two mouths
thirsty for each other...

116
00:06:04,755 --> 00:06:08,106
f-find slaking."

117
00:06:08,150 --> 00:06:10,370
"Slaking?" Wow!

118
00:06:14,548 --> 00:06:17,115
I've appealed to him
several times, Doctor.

119
00:06:17,159 --> 00:06:20,205
He's not hurting the cat.
He just won't release it.

120
00:06:20,249 --> 00:06:21,772
Sorry I had to wake you.

121
00:06:21,816 --> 00:06:23,339
That's all right, Father.

122
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,820
The nurse I was dreaming
was a rerun anyway.

123
00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:27,909
Well, the cat's someone
to love, obviously.

124
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:31,086
He's over there.

125
00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:35,351
Where'd he get it?

126
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,179
Must have just
wandered into camp.

127
00:06:37,222 --> 00:06:39,355
He refuses
to let go, Doctor.

128
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,618
My mother had the same
problem with me at
the induction center.

129
00:06:43,925 --> 00:06:46,406
Anything you want to
talk about, soldier?

130
00:06:48,016 --> 00:06:50,061
I think the cat's
got his tongue.

131
00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:53,369
Hey, nobody wants to
take him away from you.

132
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,719
You can hold him
as long as you want.

133
00:06:59,375 --> 00:07:00,942
You better bring
in a psychiatrist.

134
00:07:00,985 --> 00:07:02,813
This is out of my league.
What's his name?

135
00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,032
Fluffy.

136
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,686
I mean the patient,
Father.

137
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:07,122
We don't know, Doctor.

138
00:07:07,165 --> 00:07:08,819
They brought him in
without dog tags.

139
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,128
Don't get too attached
to this place.

140
00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:14,695
It really stinks.

141
00:07:14,738 --> 00:07:16,523
Even though a lot of people
are sucked in by the lobby.

142
00:07:19,613 --> 00:07:21,397
MAN:
Is that you, Doc?

143
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,790
I certainly hope so.

144
00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,574
Well, Doc,
you saved my life.

145
00:07:24,618 --> 00:07:26,924
No one's ever
done that before.

146
00:07:26,968 --> 00:07:28,448
My guess is
nobody's ever had to.

147
00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:30,667
-Lyle Wesson.
-Hawkeye Pierce.

148
00:07:30,711 --> 00:07:32,147
And I'm gonna need that
back by tonight.

149
00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:35,367
Hawkeye Pierce.

150
00:07:35,411 --> 00:07:37,718
You're some kind
of genius doctor.

151
00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:39,371
And I'm gonna
pay you back, Doc.

152
00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:40,764
Anything, you just name it.

153
00:07:40,808 --> 00:07:42,505
If I draw you a picture,
can you have her

154
00:07:42,549 --> 00:07:44,376
under my pillow
by morning?

155
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:45,813
I'm not kidding, Doc.

156
00:07:45,856 --> 00:07:47,597
I'm gonna pay you back.
You'll see.

157
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,077
Okay, fine.

158
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,557
Okay, you just lie back

159
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,123
and hope the bed
can take it.

160
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,342
[creaking]

161
00:07:57,433 --> 00:07:59,870
-KLINGER: Colonel Blake!
-Dag nabbit!

162
00:07:59,914 --> 00:08:01,263
Colonel!

163
00:08:03,004 --> 00:08:06,007
Colonel, special delivery.

164
00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:10,185
My girl Laverne,
she said yes.

165
00:08:10,228 --> 00:08:12,492
She agreed to marry me!

166
00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:14,537
Klinger, has she
ever seen you?

167
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,234
We've been dating
since high school.

168
00:08:16,278 --> 00:08:17,584
Of course she's seen me.

169
00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:18,976
I mean recently.

170
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,587
Sir, you gotta
let me go, sir.

171
00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:22,066
I just have
to get married.

172
00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:23,764
You're not pregnant,
are you?

173
00:08:23,807 --> 00:08:26,157
-Don't be ridiculous, sir.
-Me?

174
00:08:26,201 --> 00:08:27,463
You're the one who looks
like he just blew out

175
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,421
of Gone With the Wind.

176
00:08:29,465 --> 00:08:33,556
Sir, I only want a small,
quick little wedding in Toledo.

177
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,471
Then a teeny, tiny,
one-two-three honeymoon,

178
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,081
then I'll be right back.

179
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:40,215
Everyone who believes that,
stand on their head.

180
00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:42,609
You saying I'm lying, sir?

181
00:08:42,652 --> 00:08:45,437
I'm saying you're so desperate
to get out of Korea,

182
00:08:45,481 --> 00:08:47,222
you'd have yourself buried

183
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:49,093
with a soda straw
through the coffin

184
00:08:49,137 --> 00:08:51,139
so you could breathe.

185
00:08:51,182 --> 00:08:52,836
Forget it.

186
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,578
Hey, Lulu, they got
the volleyball schedule up.

187
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,101
Oh, great. Who am I with?

188
00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:00,670
Terrific. We got
Murphy on our team.

189
00:09:00,714 --> 00:09:02,237
Isn't that great?
And Rogers.

190
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,239
Oh, Ghiardelli.
That's okay.

191
00:09:04,282 --> 00:09:05,327
Looks good.

192
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:24,085
Oh, Lieutenant Baker,
I'm glad I bumped into you.

193
00:09:24,128 --> 00:09:26,261
Uh, I was noticing
on your file

194
00:09:26,304 --> 00:09:28,089
that you never answered
Question 7

195
00:09:28,132 --> 00:09:30,570
on your health card,
and we need to know.

196
00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:33,616
So, uh, have you
ever had cholera,

197
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:36,967
diphtheria, bubonic plague,
jungle rot, or not?

198
00:09:37,011 --> 00:09:38,273
Not.

199
00:09:38,316 --> 00:09:40,754
Not. Okey-dokey.

200
00:09:40,797 --> 00:09:43,408
Well, I'll get that off
to Washington right away.

201
00:09:54,768 --> 00:09:57,118
-That's my marine, right?
-How'd you guess?

202
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:59,120
We just had a total
eclipse of the sun.

203
00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:03,428
Hey, Doc, how you doing today?
Everybody treating you okay?

204
00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:05,735
Oh, the laundry put too
much starch in my cummerbund.

205
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:07,868
But outside of that.

206
00:10:07,911 --> 00:10:09,478
I'll tell you something.

207
00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:11,175
You're a good ol' guy,
you know that?

208
00:10:11,219 --> 00:10:13,787
Oh, allow me.

209
00:10:20,837 --> 00:10:22,230
After you.

210
00:10:22,273 --> 00:10:23,623
Before me.

211
00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:33,763
Full house.

212
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:35,852
That's what happens when
Michelin gives you four stars.

213
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:37,245
Excuse me.

214
00:10:40,335 --> 00:10:42,293
-Boys about done?
-Nope.

215
00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:45,557
You know my mom
always told me

216
00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:47,385
to leave the table
a little hungry.

217
00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:50,258
That way, you don't feel
so stuffed, right?

218
00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:52,129
Yeah, right.

219
00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:59,484
Two just opened up
here, Doc.

220
00:10:59,528 --> 00:11:02,009
Uh, we gotta get
our food, Lyle.

221
00:11:02,052 --> 00:11:04,359
Don't say that.
He'll skewer the cook.

222
00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:06,230
Fellas, you just sit on
down and relax,

223
00:11:06,274 --> 00:11:07,884
and I'll handle everything.

224
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:14,282
-Two with everything. -I'm busy,
fella.

225
00:11:14,325 --> 00:11:16,153
No, no, no, no.

226
00:11:16,197 --> 00:11:19,287
I said two
with everything now.

227
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:23,073
Everything is just
what you're gonna get.

228
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:28,557
How do you feel about
long engagements?

229
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,647
Dear Dad, I'm bringing
home a marine.

230
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,562
He'll be the son
you never had."

231
00:11:40,612 --> 00:11:42,049
I think
you'll enjoy this.

232
00:11:42,092 --> 00:11:43,354
I won't let you down.

233
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:51,275
Uh, I was wondering if
I could ask you two sirs

234
00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:52,799
about some advice.

235
00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:54,191
Well, what are
parents for?

236
00:11:54,235 --> 00:11:55,540
Come on in.
Make yourself homely.

237
00:11:57,717 --> 00:11:59,022
Sit down.

238
00:11:59,066 --> 00:12:01,155
Oh, thanks.

239
00:12:01,198 --> 00:12:02,373
Little irrigation?

240
00:12:02,417 --> 00:12:03,548
Come again?

241
00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:05,420
Drink, Radar.

242
00:12:05,463 --> 00:12:07,204
Oh, no, no.

243
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:08,771
What's your problem?
And keep in mind,

244
00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:11,382
we can't work miracles
with height.

245
00:12:11,426 --> 00:12:13,689
Uh, well...

246
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,736
it's about this,
um, woman.

247
00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:19,347
A woman of
the opposite sex, Radar?

248
00:12:19,390 --> 00:12:21,653
Yeah, uh,
Lieutenant Simmons.

249
00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:23,655
You know her?
Nurse.

250
00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:24,918
Simmons?

251
00:12:24,961 --> 00:12:28,269
Uh, short, freckles,
fat glasses?

252
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:29,792
I can't understand
how you lost your job

253
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:31,228
at the State Department.

254
00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:32,664
Yeah, that's her usually,

255
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:34,188
but you should see her
without her parka.

256
00:12:34,231 --> 00:12:35,711
Can you arrange that?

257
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,234
I mean I didn't.

258
00:12:37,278 --> 00:12:40,847
But, uh, she was wearing
this little, uh... uh...

259
00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:43,675
A pair of hands?
She was wearing
two hands?

260
00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:45,155
Uh, no, it was a...

261
00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:47,636
Oh, what's the diff?

262
00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:51,814
For all she knows,
I'm dead.

263
00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:53,773
Why don't you prove
to her you're alive?

264
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,731
Breathe in her face.

265
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:58,429
I can't because I'm
ignoring her all the time.

266
00:12:58,473 --> 00:12:59,909
HAWKEYE: Why?

267
00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:01,215
Because she's ignoring me.

268
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:03,391
Ah, but you
ignored her first.

269
00:13:03,434 --> 00:13:06,263
Yeah, that's because I'm trying
to beat her to the ignore.

270
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,224
Radar, you're gonna
cool yourself

271
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,747
right out of business
with her.

272
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,227
Why don't you let her
know how you feel?

273
00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:14,794
Take her to the pictures.

274
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:18,101
Wow, that's a great idea.

275
00:13:18,145 --> 00:13:19,755
Thanks.
We invented it.

276
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,452
Yeah, we get a two cents
royalty every time

277
00:13:21,496 --> 00:13:23,411
a guy asks a girl
to a movie.

278
00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:25,021
Oh, yeah. Thanks.

279
00:13:25,065 --> 00:13:26,414
I'll ask her to the, uh...

280
00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:28,372
I-I'll ask her
to the movies.

281
00:13:29,547 --> 00:13:32,289
All righty, BS2XYZ, I gotcha.

282
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:34,291
That's 6:00 p.m. there, 4:00
a.m. here.

283
00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:38,078
Righty-o. Roger Wilco. Over
and out. Ten-four and goom-bye.

284
00:13:40,689 --> 00:13:43,170
Okay, Klinger,
you're all set.

285
00:13:43,213 --> 00:13:45,433
Colonel,
I could kiss you!

286
00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:48,131
You do, and I'll chin
myself on your nose.

287
00:13:48,175 --> 00:13:50,568
You sure this radio
thing's gonna work, sir?

288
00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:54,181
Klinger, BS2 is a ham operator
in Des Moines, Iowa, right?

289
00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:56,574
Now he's gonna pick us
up on his shortwave

290
00:13:56,618 --> 00:13:59,751
and call Laverne, your Laverne,
at the chapel, collect,

291
00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:02,885
in Toledo, so he can patch
her phone into his radio,

292
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:04,582
which we can hear
on our radio,

293
00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,149
in which Laverne
can hear on her phone

294
00:14:06,193 --> 00:14:07,977
and her parents can
hear on their extension.

295
00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:09,718
Simple?

296
00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:12,329
It would have been simpler
to let me go home for this.

297
00:14:12,373 --> 00:14:14,810
If I let you go home, Klinger,
the next time I'd see you,

298
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,682
you'd be a Rockette
at Radio City Music Hall.

299
00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:19,684
Go get shaved
and get into your gown.

300
00:14:19,728 --> 00:14:20,947
Yes, sir!

301
00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:25,908
[plane engine roaring]

302
00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:40,270
Oh, excuse me,
Lieutenant.

303
00:14:40,314 --> 00:14:42,011
Uh, I'm measuring
the camp.

304
00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:43,143
Oh.

305
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:45,928
Uh, you see, uh,
last year we had

306
00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:48,191
2,986 square feet,

307
00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:52,108
and this year
we have 2,863.

308
00:14:52,152 --> 00:14:55,459
And I have to figure out
where we shrunk.

309
00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:08,603
Uh, while we're on
the subject, uh...

310
00:15:08,646 --> 00:15:10,518
did you know that
tonight's movie

311
00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:11,954
is Firstborn
of Godzilla?

312
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,216
The what?

313
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:14,870
The Firstborn
of Godzilla.

314
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,654
-Oh.
-I saw the original

315
00:15:16,698 --> 00:15:18,482
before Godzilla
ever got married.

316
00:15:18,526 --> 00:15:21,224
Oh, well, I don't go in
for movies much.

317
00:15:21,268 --> 00:15:23,400
I'd rather just stay in
and listen to some music

318
00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:25,141
or read some poetry.

319
00:15:25,185 --> 00:15:29,058
Oh, uh, d-do you
read poetry?

320
00:15:29,102 --> 00:15:30,364
Why? Do you?

321
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:31,931
Oh, yeah.

322
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:33,541
I'm always browsing up
on a new poem.

323
00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:35,238
Who's your favorite?

324
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:37,545
Uh, well, right now
I'm interested in, uh,

325
00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:40,765
a new guy, uh,
Ruptured Brook.

326
00:15:40,809 --> 00:15:42,724
Boy, you guys bucking
for a Section Eight

327
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,595
really get my quills up.

328
00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:46,510
You keep doing that
just because you think

329
00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:48,077
we'll think it's strange.

330
00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:49,861
Well, I'm here
to tell you,

331
00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:51,907
you're not one bit
stranger than I am.

332
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,692
Now, I'm going
to count to five,

333
00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:57,347
and I want you to hand over
that unauthorized cat.

334
00:15:57,391 --> 00:16:00,960
One, two...

335
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:03,353
three, four.

336
00:16:03,397 --> 00:16:05,181
Showing off for
the patients again, Frank?

337
00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:07,749
Patient?
Hmph. He's not sick.

338
00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:09,316
Just another one
of those crybabies

339
00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:11,187
who's afraid to go back
to the front.

340
00:16:11,231 --> 00:16:12,928
Frank, can I borrow
your doctor's diploma?

341
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,625
They're a little short
in the latrine.

342
00:16:14,669 --> 00:16:16,714
Oh, hardy har.

343
00:16:23,373 --> 00:16:24,809
Look, we know
you love the cat.

344
00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:26,463
Nobody wants to hurt it.

345
00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:29,031
You can come visit it
anytime you want.

346
00:16:29,075 --> 00:16:32,687
We'll take good care of it.
I promise.

347
00:16:32,730 --> 00:16:34,341
Okay?

348
00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:36,821
Wanna give him to me?

349
00:16:36,865 --> 00:16:37,953
Come on,
you can trust me.

350
00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:45,265
Lovely. Thank you.

351
00:16:46,353 --> 00:16:47,397
-[gasping]
-Oh!

352
00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:48,964
Okay, everybody,
just keep calm,

353
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,532
and nobody will get hurt.
Especially me.

354
00:16:51,575 --> 00:16:54,100
Now let's be careful.
Don't break the doctor, okay?

355
00:16:56,406 --> 00:16:58,104
Uh, the cat and I have
just talked it over,

356
00:16:58,147 --> 00:16:59,540
and he'd like to come back.

357
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:01,629
LYLE: Hey, what the heck
is going on here?

358
00:17:01,672 --> 00:17:03,239
Oh, just another fan
gone wild.

359
00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:05,285
Well, don't worry, Doc.
I'll get you out of there

360
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:06,851
quicker than you can
shake a stick.

361
00:17:06,895 --> 00:17:08,940
No, no, Lyle, Lyle,
don't hurt him. Be gentle.

362
00:17:08,984 --> 00:17:10,594
My life is in his armpit.

363
00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:12,640
Easy, buddy.
Take it easy.

364
00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:18,820
Mr. Kwang, can we have
some sedation here, please?

365
00:17:18,863 --> 00:17:21,301
You all right, Doc?

366
00:17:21,344 --> 00:17:23,259
Thanks, Lyle. I guess
that about makes us even

367
00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:25,566
in the lifesaving department.
In fact, I owe you change.

368
00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:27,089
Oh, that was nothing.

369
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:28,960
I haven't even begun
to pay you back yet.

370
00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:30,919
What are you gonna do for
an encore, make me immortal?

371
00:17:30,962 --> 00:17:32,225
Well, I like you, Doc.

372
00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:33,748
I like doing things
for you.

373
00:17:33,791 --> 00:17:36,620
You're the greatest.

374
00:17:36,664 --> 00:17:38,970
Lyle, underneath these
exceptional good looks

375
00:17:39,014 --> 00:17:40,624
lurks a really
rotten person, really.

376
00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:42,365
Oh, come on.

377
00:17:42,409 --> 00:17:43,801
I'm the kind of guy
who gets a kick out

378
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:46,195
of tying knots
in varicose veins.

379
00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:47,762
I once did a postmortem

380
00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:49,198
an hour before
the patient was ready.

381
00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:50,417
[laughing]

382
00:17:52,462 --> 00:17:53,855
SIMMONS:
Who is it?

383
00:17:53,898 --> 00:17:55,248
Uh, Corporal O'Reilly.

384
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:57,032
I can go away
if I'm bothering you.

385
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,033
Come in.

386
00:18:11,786 --> 00:18:12,917
Hi.

387
00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:15,485
Hi.

388
00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:17,008
Well, uh, we just got
a new shipment in,

389
00:18:17,052 --> 00:18:19,141
and I was in
the neighborhood,

390
00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:21,578
so I thought I'd stop by.
Here's some candy.

391
00:18:21,622 --> 00:18:22,797
Oh, thank you.

392
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,755
I love chocolate...

393
00:18:24,799 --> 00:18:27,280
even though it makes
my face break out.

394
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:30,370
Mine too. I mean, uh...

395
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:33,155
it did before
I turned into a man.

396
00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:36,463
Well, what's that?
Poetry?

397
00:18:36,506 --> 00:18:39,727
Uh, uh-huh.

398
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:42,425
Well, sit down.
Read me a poem.

399
00:18:42,469 --> 00:18:43,948
Ahem.

400
00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:45,341
Well, I don't know

401
00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:46,908
if I should
in mixed company.

402
00:18:46,951 --> 00:18:49,563
I mean, they got stuff
in here about, um...

403
00:18:49,606 --> 00:18:52,174
you know, slaking
and stuff like that.

404
00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:54,307
Well, I'd love to hear some.

405
00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:55,786
Okay.

406
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,702
I warned you.

407
00:19:00,922 --> 00:19:03,490
Uh, let's see.

408
00:19:03,533 --> 00:19:05,448
Oh, here's one.

409
00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:06,884
Ahem.

410
00:19:06,928 --> 00:19:09,539
"The damned ship--"
Oh, excuse me.

411
00:19:11,715 --> 00:19:13,804
"...lurched and slithered.

412
00:19:13,848 --> 00:19:17,808
"Quiet and quick.
My cold gorge rose.

413
00:19:17,852 --> 00:19:19,941
"The long sea rolled,

414
00:19:19,984 --> 00:19:22,335
"I knew I must think
hard of something

415
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:23,727
"or be sick."

416
00:19:28,863 --> 00:19:31,257
"Do I forget you?

417
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,911
"Retchings twist
and tie me.

418
00:19:33,955 --> 00:19:38,177
"Old meat, good meals,
brown gobbets, up I throw."

419
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:41,571
You don't give a girl
a chance, do you?

420
00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:43,094
Huh?

421
00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:45,880
Oh, don't play coy with me,
you heart wrecker.

422
00:19:45,923 --> 00:19:48,230
Always standing off,
playing hard to get,

423
00:19:48,274 --> 00:19:51,277
while all the time you were
looking right through me.

424
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:52,887
I didn't see
anything, honest.

425
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:55,585
Oh, there ought to be a law
against guys like you.

426
00:19:55,629 --> 00:19:57,848
Uh, Lieutenant,

427
00:19:57,892 --> 00:20:00,286
you're bending the book.

428
00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:03,637
Can you still hear me,
Miss Esposito?

429
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,205
Sure can, Father.
Loud and clear.

430
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:08,250
Oh, where were we?

431
00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:10,470
Uh, she just said the part
about being sick and poor.

432
00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:12,036
Oh, yes.

433
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:15,301
Then, do you,
Laverne Esposito,

434
00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:20,393
take this, uh, man,
Corporal Max Klinger,

435
00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:23,352
to be your lawful
wedded husband?

436
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:24,919
I d--

437
00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:26,007
[radio feedback]

438
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:27,269
What happened?

439
00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:28,705
Oh, fishhooks.
Interference.

440
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:30,272
Well, find it.
Find it, damn it!

441
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:31,926
Oh, sorry, Father.

442
00:20:31,969 --> 00:20:35,016
It's a wedding, son.
I understand your anger.

443
00:20:35,059 --> 00:20:36,670
Well?

444
00:20:36,713 --> 00:20:39,412
Just keep your garters on,
Klinger.

445
00:20:39,455 --> 00:20:42,284
WOMAN: And then you add
a pound of shelled pecans

446
00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:44,417
and a bottle
of lemon extract.

447
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:50,074
Um, KN5YVJ calling BS2XYZ
in Des Moines.

448
00:20:50,118 --> 00:20:52,381
Come in. Over.

449
00:20:52,425 --> 00:20:54,775
HAWKEYE, TRAPPER:
["The Bridal March"]
♪ Da da da da

450
00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:57,125
♪ Da da da da

451
00:20:57,168 --> 00:20:58,561
With our compliments.

452
00:20:58,605 --> 00:21:00,128
Hey, thanks.

453
00:21:00,171 --> 00:21:02,130
That's really nice of you
sirs to get dressed up.

454
00:21:02,173 --> 00:21:03,392
It's from the States.

455
00:21:03,436 --> 00:21:04,828
My grandfather
was buried in this.

456
00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:07,222
Oh. I'm really touched.

457
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,616
I always thought so.

458
00:21:09,659 --> 00:21:11,705
Look, lady, I'm a doctor

459
00:21:11,748 --> 00:21:14,229
trying to marry a soldier
in the middle of a war.

460
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:16,231
WOMAN: That's sick!

461
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:17,754
HENRY: Hello?

462
00:21:17,798 --> 00:21:20,496
A little more veil, please.
I can still see your face.

463
00:21:20,540 --> 00:21:24,152
You want my recipe
for never-fail corn bread?

464
00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:27,677
Lady, you are a piece
of corn bread.

465
00:21:27,721 --> 00:21:29,810
Scott! Zelda!
Just in time.

466
00:21:29,853 --> 00:21:31,115
Out of our way.

467
00:21:31,159 --> 00:21:32,595
May I see your
invitations, please?

468
00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:34,031
Friends of the bride
or the bride?

469
00:21:34,075 --> 00:21:35,337
You're out
of uniform!

470
00:21:35,381 --> 00:21:38,297
I am not.
I'm with Fred Waring.

471
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:39,820
Disgusting!

472
00:21:39,863 --> 00:21:41,474
You have your nerve,
wearing white.

473
00:21:41,517 --> 00:21:43,911
Jealous?

474
00:21:43,954 --> 00:21:46,043
Doc, I've been
looking all over...

475
00:21:46,087 --> 00:21:47,915
for you.

476
00:21:47,958 --> 00:21:50,744
Boy, you guys sure throw
some weird parties, huh?

477
00:21:50,787 --> 00:21:52,354
It's our prom night.

478
00:21:52,398 --> 00:21:54,574
These kids have been
saving up all year for this.

479
00:21:54,617 --> 00:21:56,750
Well, look it, Doc.
Um, I'm shoving off tomorrow

480
00:21:56,793 --> 00:21:58,969
and I thought maybe I could
have your home address.

481
00:21:59,013 --> 00:22:02,451
Maybe we could be pen pals
after the war.

482
00:22:02,495 --> 00:22:04,279
Lyle, it-it would just
be boring for you.

483
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:06,020
I write everything
in prescriptions.

484
00:22:06,063 --> 00:22:08,892
Come in, Laverne,
wherever you are.

485
00:22:08,936 --> 00:22:11,373
I demand this wedding
be stopped immediately.

486
00:22:11,417 --> 00:22:13,157
Oh, shut up, Major.

487
00:22:13,201 --> 00:22:14,985
Did you hear that?

488
00:22:15,029 --> 00:22:16,683
I certainly did.

489
00:22:16,726 --> 00:22:18,989
Are you gonna let him
talk to you that way?

490
00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:21,340
You're angry
when you're beautiful.

491
00:22:21,383 --> 00:22:23,516
Listen, big nose!

492
00:22:23,559 --> 00:22:25,561
What'd you call him?

493
00:22:25,605 --> 00:22:27,824
Button up, Frank,
and zip up too.

494
00:22:27,868 --> 00:22:29,260
Well, who are you
ordering about,

495
00:22:29,304 --> 00:22:31,045
Mr. Sassing-A-Major-Pants?

496
00:22:31,088 --> 00:22:33,047
I thought the doc
told you to be quiet.

497
00:22:33,090 --> 00:22:34,222
Oh, that's
all right, Lyle.

498
00:22:34,265 --> 00:22:35,397
He never obeys
my commands.

499
00:22:35,441 --> 00:22:37,443
What a report this
is going to make.

500
00:22:37,486 --> 00:22:39,096
That pervert
marrying no one,

501
00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:40,446
a cat living
in the hospital,

502
00:22:40,489 --> 00:22:42,056
and this idiot
insubordinating

503
00:22:42,099 --> 00:22:43,971
his big mouth
whenever he pleases.

504
00:22:44,014 --> 00:22:45,929
Uh, Frank, uh,
I wouldn't, uh...

505
00:22:45,973 --> 00:22:47,235
Oh, shut up!

506
00:22:47,278 --> 00:22:48,671
That's it!

507
00:22:48,715 --> 00:22:49,933
Uh-oh.

508
00:22:49,977 --> 00:22:51,457
MARGARET: Frank!

509
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:54,068
Let me go,
you big moron!

510
00:22:54,111 --> 00:22:55,417
Put him down!

511
00:22:55,461 --> 00:22:56,810
You can't twirl
an officer!

512
00:22:56,853 --> 00:22:58,115
[screaming]

513
00:22:58,159 --> 00:22:59,813
Oh, this is outrageous!

514
00:22:59,856 --> 00:23:01,162
Aah! Ooh!

515
00:23:01,205 --> 00:23:02,946
I think he's had enough,
Lyle.

516
00:23:02,990 --> 00:23:05,035
We don't want his brain
to rush to his head.

517
00:23:05,079 --> 00:23:06,994
Apologize. No report.

518
00:23:07,037 --> 00:23:08,648
I do! I do!

519
00:23:08,691 --> 00:23:10,084
No report! Please!

520
00:23:10,127 --> 00:23:11,128
Honest!

521
00:23:12,434 --> 00:23:14,001
Frank.

522
00:23:14,044 --> 00:23:16,046
Lyle, you really gotta
stop doing things like that.

523
00:23:16,090 --> 00:23:17,961
It puts people off.

524
00:23:18,005 --> 00:23:19,572
Yeah, you're right, Doc.

525
00:23:19,615 --> 00:23:22,444
I'm always doing
the wrong thing. I'm sorry.

526
00:23:22,488 --> 00:23:23,793
Well, that's okay.
You're a big person.

527
00:23:23,837 --> 00:23:25,447
You deserve
bigger mistakes.

528
00:23:25,491 --> 00:23:28,058
No, Lyle bad person.
Does bad things.

529
00:23:28,102 --> 00:23:29,582
No, you're not.

530
00:23:29,625 --> 00:23:31,975
Lyle good.
Hawkeye bad.

531
00:23:32,019 --> 00:23:33,455
LAVERNE: Hello? Hello?

532
00:23:33,499 --> 00:23:35,457
Hey, hey, I think
I've got her.

533
00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:37,328
Is that you, pumpkin?

534
00:23:37,372 --> 00:23:38,852
-Yes, I'm here, baby.
-No, this--

535
00:23:38,895 --> 00:23:40,506
Miss Esposito, ready?

536
00:23:40,549 --> 00:23:43,073
Would you repeat "I do"?

537
00:23:43,117 --> 00:23:45,032
I do.

538
00:23:45,075 --> 00:23:47,643
-And do you, Max Klinger--
-I do! I do!

539
00:23:47,687 --> 00:23:49,863
You'd better hurry.
She's fading.

540
00:23:49,906 --> 00:23:52,169
Bless, O Lord, this ring in
Toledo that he who gives it

541
00:23:52,213 --> 00:23:53,910
and she who wears it
may abide in Thy peace.

542
00:23:53,954 --> 00:23:55,825
I now pronounce you
man and wife. Amen.

543
00:23:55,869 --> 00:23:57,261
♪♪ ["The Wedding March"]

544
00:23:57,305 --> 00:23:59,394
[cheering]

545
00:24:00,569 --> 00:24:01,831
HENRY: Laverne?

546
00:24:01,875 --> 00:24:03,442
-Laverne?
-[cheering continues]

547
00:24:05,661 --> 00:24:09,273
HENRY: Here's to his wife
anyway. We lost Laverne.

548
00:24:12,755 --> 00:24:15,018
Radar, what happened
to you?

549
00:24:15,062 --> 00:24:16,890
I don't know.

550
00:24:18,413 --> 00:24:20,197
I think I've been slaked.

551
00:24:29,555 --> 00:24:31,165
[thunder]

552
00:24:36,649 --> 00:24:38,912
Here's to the biggest
cannon in the war.

553
00:24:38,955 --> 00:24:41,436
And it's a comfort to
know it's in Your hands.

554
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,439
We're safer with
the rain, you know?

555
00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:46,441
One more lovely spring
day like yesterday,

556
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:48,443
and we'll need
a group lobotomy.

557
00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:49,531
[knocking]

558
00:24:51,011 --> 00:24:53,492
You guys got any
books on poetry?

559
00:24:53,535 --> 00:24:55,537
Radar, come in here.

560
00:24:59,585 --> 00:25:01,717
Your voice is
getting deeper.

561
00:25:01,761 --> 00:25:04,154
Your skin
is clearing up.

562
00:25:04,198 --> 00:25:06,548
Well, I got this friend.

563
00:25:06,592 --> 00:25:07,854
Who is she?

564
00:25:07,897 --> 00:25:10,509
Who says it's a she?

565
00:25:10,552 --> 00:25:11,553
Then who's he?

566
00:25:11,597 --> 00:25:13,729
It's not a he.

567
00:25:13,773 --> 00:25:16,079
Radar, there are only
he's and she's.

568
00:25:18,473 --> 00:25:20,519
Look, he's blushing.

569
00:25:20,562 --> 00:25:22,521
I am not. My cheeks are just
red.

570
00:25:22,564 --> 00:25:27,351
Aw, Radar, come on.
Tell your Uncle Trapper.

571
00:25:27,395 --> 00:25:29,353
And your Aunt Hawkeye.

572
00:25:29,397 --> 00:25:31,965
Why can't you sirs just
act like sirs, sirs?

573
00:25:36,056 --> 00:25:38,667
♪♪ [theme]